The Confession
by Queenhopetheirin
Summary: Cassandra is trying to discover where Hawke is, Varric is not cooperating, so she goes to his room at the Hanged Man to find clues. What Cassandra find makes her question if she will ever find Hawke. This is the 4th of What I am now calling "The Tail of the Champion" This one will have 2 chapters. Getting Along, Corrupting Sebastian, and Capturing a dream are the first three.
1. Chapter 1

Cassandra sat on the edge of the bed frustrated. She had been interrogating Varric for days and found herself unable to tell whether he was lying or telling the truth any longer. Hoping to find something to help her refocus her questioning, she decided to search his bookshelves. So far nothing. The dwarf kept few things of import. Though he had an impressive book collection for one living in a tavern.

She loved to read, everything from history to smut laden literature, not that she admitted that to anyone. One book at a time she pulled them out, reading the covers until she found one without a cover. Thinking it odd to see a book without a title on the cover at least, she opened it.

" _Fenris left me. When, I woke up he stood dressed staring into the fire. I suppose I should be thankful that he could not leave without saying goodbye. Maker, my heart is shattered. I won't hear the end of this. Anders warned me that Fenris was not worth it. Anders is wrong though. The hours I spent in Fenris' arms proved that we belong together. The night I spent with Anders was a mistake; I knew it right away."_

This was Hawke's journal. Why did Varric have Hawke's journal? Cassandra moved to sit back on the bed. She smirked as she made herself comfortable. Varric was in the Gallows when he wasn't being questioned, so his bed sat made and available. Cassandra flipped the pages, most entries were a few paragraphs long. They were longer when someone died. Hawke took the time to consider the person and how their life should have gone.

Hawke's journal read as idealistic most of the time, Varric's name sprinkled throughout the text. Her best friend, but she still had not told him everything regarding the breakup. There were pages and pages of her pouring her heart out over Fenris, broken up by Varric's antics, Isabela's flirting, and Anders' anger. And then a phrase caught her eye, "It was my fault, Varric whispered . . ." What did Varric mean when he said Leandra's death was his fault? By all accounts he was killed by a mad blood mage bent on bringing his wife back to life. Cassandra flipped to the first page of the entry and started to read.

Fenris came again tonight, to offer comfort. What did he know of family or comfort? We sat for a while, staring at the fire, neither one touching. I asked him if it was my fault that Mother was captured. He didn't think placing blame was the answer. I was grateful that he came, that he cared enough to be alone with me. I know he is as miserable as I am being apart.

The last time we were in my room we spent hours exploring each other's bodies. We made love, and then he left. Fenris still hurts. It has been months since we called it off, and yet he hurts. When, I reached for him at the funeral he jumped away. The rejection tore at me as much as losing my mother.

I wanted to cry when he left me tonight, but to cry alone in this monstrosity of a house felt wrong. The door clicked and there was silence. The staff was all sent to bed hours ago. Was it always this quiet at this hour? Surely something must be normal about the muted air. The lump in my throat refused to budge as I stared at the fire, I knew it should be hot, the glow lit the room. I was numb. Maker, why didn't I have someone stay with me? Instead I sent them all home.

The fire popped angrily, startling me. I remembered Carver's teasing at how easily I jumped when deep in thought, and Bethany always trying to convince him to be nicer. They were both dead now, with mother and father. Mother blamed me for both their deaths. She was right, I should have told them no. I should have made them listen to her.

When the ogre attacked Carver ran right in, always trying to be the little hero. He wanted to do something big to get attention, our constant running to protect Bethany stifled him. I was never one to lay low. I picked up odd jobs, helped farmers get rid of wild animals, helped medics get herbs. He was always trying to live up to me, he even joined the army against the blight just to prove that his skills as a warrior were more useful than mine as a rogue.

Bethany, Maker she was the best of us. Bethany wanted to get mother's estate back. That is the only reason we went on that blasted deep roads expedition. The blighted deep roads took her for our greed. The look on her face when I… no not tonight. Bethany begged me to let her go to the deep roads, sure we got the family home, but she never made it home from the Dwarven ruins. After eating deep mushrooms for weeks on end Bethany died from the darkspawn taint.

Mother didn't talk to me until we moved into her family home. It took months for everything to be resolved, deeds traced, items sold. Money was no longer an issue. Despite the layer of grief that took over our life, Mother was relieved to be in her childhood home. Slowly she stopped scowling at me from over the balcony. One day she hugged me and apologised. I thanked her, not believing I deserved forgiveness.

When a suitor left her flowers I thought it was sweet, and decided not to worry. How could she be so wrong? The man was a monster. My poor mother, used as part of an experiment by a psychopathic mage. I should have known, but no. What could have been more important than my mother's safety? Sure I spent a lot of time helping people, but obviously I did not try hard enough.

Tonight I need a drink, and then hopefully some sleep. Tomorrow I will see if Isabela will take over one of the rooms for a while. I can not stay here alone. I need someone here. I wonder if Isabela found my hidden bottle of rum. It is Isabela's favorite, so I keet it hidden.

I thought my night was over. I was wrong. I went to the library and grabbed the rum. Not wanting to think about correspondence, thank you letters, work. I sat on my desk with my feet on the chair, I took a swig. A chuckle startled me from the doorway. Varric stood there, smiling when I jumped. I glared at him as I took a longer drink from the bottle.

Varric leaned against the door. His usual smile looked darker than normal, pasted on his face. He came to comfort me. He came just as Fenris walked in, and stayed waiting outside as Fenris left an hour later. He asked how "Broody" was doing and I just shook my head. It was too much, Mother told me to be patient. Maker, what am I going to do without her?

I took another drink before I leaned forward putting my head on my legs. Varric moved closer, his hand rested on my shoulder unraveling my self-control. I did not want to cry,refused to cry. He urged me to sit in the chair and I followed his lead. The tears broke free as I sat, my eyes watered and they flowed.

"Shit," Varric said, taking the bottle away. He put the cap back on before putting it back in its hiding spot. That Varric knew where it went caught my attention. He spent plenty of time here, laughing and joking. Sometimes he came over just to play cards, he charmed mother, the staff adored him. He truly is my best friend.

I told him it was my fault, I needed to hear him tell me it was my fault. I cried into my elbow with my head on my desk. Varric stood next to me his hand rubbing my back until I turned and instead put my head on his shoulder.

"Hawke," he started, and then stopped. Varric did not know how to handle crying people, but I needed him to hold me. Maker, I do not know why I needed him to hold me so bad. He was my best friend but, with few exceptions. We did not hug. I was the one that hugged friends and let them cry until they finished. Varric told jokes until we stopped bitching and moved on to another topic.

I fell to my knees pulling Varric closer, my head on his chest. Varric coughed, my body now pressed against him. My breathing slowed as his hand stroked the back of my head. The sobbing stopped. I realized he was rocking me as he whispered soothing words in my ear.

I can't remember what he said, but it shook me to my core. He was wrong. He said something concerning me being good and loving, but he was wrong. We both knew the truth. It was my fault: Bethany and Carver.

"Tell me it's my fault she is dead," I demanded. Varric's face contorted as if I had smacked him. He shook his head. Softer I tried again I explained that I should have put guards on her. I had the money. Varric was having none of it. He refused to tell me what I needed to hear. He looked lost, swallowing back something. Then he hung his head, and rubbed his neck. Shit things never went well when it started like that. He told me he couldn't tell me I was to blame for something he did.

"It was my fault." Varric whispered loud enough to be heard. I stood shocked for a moment. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! No Varric could not be to blame. We went hunting for the killer together. I made Varric, Anders, and Fenris join me to find my mother. He was just as upset as I was when we found her pieced together. Maker no one should die like that.

Varric's head slumped as he turned away, his hands twisting, nervously. He explained that he hired men to follow her as he did "Daisy and Sunshine." Which made his statement make less sense. He could not be responsible if he did more for my mother than I did.

When I thought I would go crazy from his silence he explained to me that recent additions to his men turned out to be bad hires. Varric liked the new guards to watch Anders clinic for a while. Anders could defend himself if need be. There had been a breakdown in communication, the new guy fell asleep outside and Mother went out alone.

I tried to make the words make sense. No, Varric wasn't to blame. He left instructions. The men ignored the instructions. I turned to forgive him for his role. He carried the guilt as an anchor, admitting his imagined crimes against me.

Mother adored him. She suggested one day, as he drank our bourbon and played Wicked Grace, that he should court me. Varric laughed at the suggestion. He pointed to his crossbow with a hint of a frown. He claimed he needed Bianca and enough coin to buy drinks at the Hanged Man and he was happy. It did not stop him from joining us for dinner and teaching Mother Wicked Grace, making her smile more than she did any other day.

I reached out and stroked his cheek, Maker what possessed me to do that? He shaved daily, but today he left slight stubble. My fingers acted on their own will and grazed his cheek, the stubble rough against the back of my hand.

This time he pulled me forward toward him. He put his head on my chest and he cried. I could not believe he hurt so much, until his shoulders shook against me. As he cried I leaned over, whispering words into his ear comforting and forgiving him.

I realized as I consoled Varric I was forgiving myself. We did our best. Mother was happy now, and she was in the arms of her family. Varric's cries stopped, and he tried to pull away. I did not let him leave my arms though. It was late,well past midnight.

I put my hand under his chin and tilted it so I could look into his eyes. I leaned in, my lips hovered over his. He did not move away so I lowered my head to his and our lips met. My lips tingled as he sighed accepting the kiss.

I should have been ashamed. I should have begged for forgiveness. Instead I deepened the kiss, and Maker he responded. My arms encircled him, pulling him closer. It was weird kissing someone shorter than me, but I adjusted when his hand wrapped around my neck, his fingers tugged my hair holding my face near his.

Our lips clung to each other as we found our way to the stairs. I wanted him, relief washed over me as I accepted that. He went up the stairs backwards I noted that he managed to not trip despite his lips leaving mine briefly. His tongue teasing mine, he tasted of bourbon. He bragged that ale was his drink, but alone he sipped bourbon and read.

Together, we made it to my bedroom. He wasn't mine to keep, and my heart belonged to another, but our bodies cried out for more. Not that the moral thinking part of my brain didn't want to interfere. No, it cried out to stop. This fling could ruin everything. Who would I have if, in the morning, Varric realized he had made a horrible mistake?

The thoughts flooded my mind as his hands ran over my body through my nightgown. Our kisses no longer enough, we pulled apart. My body begged for more. His told me what I needed to know, his erection obvious through his pants.

I took off my nightgown as he stripped. Neither one of us talked, something that was rare. We both joked and laughed through everything, normally. When Varric stood naked in front of me, he leaned in and took my breast into his mouth. It sent shivers cascading through my body as he nibbled around the areola and then tugged at the tip with his teeth.

I moaned and found my fingers in his hair. He moved to the other breast. My body cried out to him as he treated it with the same care as the other. He bit his way from one breast to the other and back. I moaned wantonly when Varric kissed a path down my front and knelt between my legs. Feeling unsteady, I held onto the post at the foot of my bed when he pressed his tongue against my clit. My body wanted him, needed him.

I did not care if it was a good idea or not as his tongue flicked against me. His fingers spread my lower lips open and my legs shook. Varric pulled away, I tried not to be disappointed because he stopped, but just moments later when he spoke it made sense. "Jump on the bed, there's no point falling."

I did as instructed and fell back to the bed, my legs made room for him to climb between. His face went right back between my legs. Now, I watched as he spread me apart and lapped at me. He smiled as he sucked on my clit, my hips bucking against him. I tried not to think of my last lover in the bed. Varric knew how to make a body sing.

He pushed a finger into me. I was slick and ready. He added another, pushing them in and out as he alternated between licking and sucking on my clit. I tried to stay silent. With a growl he added a third finger and I snapped.

I called out to the Maker, Mythal, whatever god was listening. As he found the right rhythm my body vibrated until, with a shaking breath, I sobbed finding my release. The pain and sorrow fled as the room darkened in waves and my cries echoed throughout the hallway. Varric chuckled as he kissed my body until the pulsating stopped.


	2. Chapter 2

Cassandra took a deep breath and put the book on her chest. Maker, who put that much detail into their journal? Her journal seemed inadequate now as the entry continued on. Should she attempt to finish reading?

Maker, she needed to read what happened next. Varric had told her all about Hawke's relationship with Fenris, about her sleeping with all of her friends over the years. How she stayed with Fenris. This couldn't be real, yet …

Cassandra stood and grabbed a drink. A bottle of bourbon sat on the table next to a comfortable looking chair. She often drank red wine. The amber liquid burned as it went down, but it also made her more determined to finish the chapter. Where was she? Ah yes, Varric had just finished making Hawke scream.

When my body returned to regular rhythms I stared at the ceiling in shock. Maker, I never imagined sex with Varric would be this good. He was my first friend in the city. Before I could dwell too long his lips caressed my hips.

I tried to process my emotions as Varric kissed up my body. I tingled all over. When his tongue captured my nipple and sucked it in between his teeth my body vibrated. Any more and I would explode. I cried out for more. I begged, maker he laughed.

When he moved to the other nipple I sobbed. I tried to reach for him but his training kept him out of reach. When my nipples both were hard he pulled at them, kneeling between my legs. I arched my body up toward him and for a moment I thought he would leave.

Varric put his hand on my hip. He was holding his hard cock in his hand, and it teasing me as he stopped. With a serious expression on his face he made sure it was what I wanted. The line was still uncrossed. I almost let him leave.

I gazed into his eyes finding comfort and warmth. Screw the past, Varric. My best friend wanted me, and I wanted him back. I told him I needed him, and there he was. He slid into me and I knew this was right. I thought it would be fast; I thought we would finish and lay in a heap panting for each other, but no. Varric needed it slow.

Time meant nothing as we clung to each other his mouth teased my nipples as he picked up the pace. The bed creaked. The fire I couldn't feel earlier, now was too warm as we sweated together. Varric grabbed my ass and rolled us so I was on the top, at first I paused aware of him under me before I moved. As I sat up I realized he liked the position, his fingers dug into my hips. They hurt, but Maker I liked it.

I rode him as we moaned together. There weren't declarations of love, nor promises for the future. I needed to forget as I let it all out. I rode him hard I slammed my hips into him crying out to the maker. I am not sure I have ever prayed as much as I used his name last night.

And then as I cried out a final time my muscles contracted as Varric's face blurred out of focus, he cried out too as I pushed down against him. I wanted to cry in victory as the waves melted away.

I slumped over Varric and kissed his neck, his jaw. He kissed me back before he stood and grabbed a wet cloth from my wash stand and cleaned us both up as I lay there panting like a fool.

When he came back to the bed he pulled back the covers and helped me between them. The room was too warm, but I held out my arms for him and with a reluctant sigh he joined me. Varric put his head on my chest and I played with his hair staring at the ceiling just watching the light from the fire dance.

I was beyond tired but something kept me from sleeping. I wanted to explain my troubles, but didn't know where to start. He demanded I explain why I wasn't sleeping. There was but one answer. I did not want him to leave me. I admitted that I was afraid that I would fall asleep and I would find him dressed and waiting to say goodbye.

Varric pulled away and moved so my head was on his chest, his soft chest hair beneath my fingers. "Anna," Maker he called me Anna. "I will stay until you permit me to leave."

I fell asleep like that, and I woke with his arms still around me as I blinked against the light in my room. When I realized that there was someone else in my bed I turned confused. Varric is short but solid. I rolled to my other side and Varric rolled with me. His arm pinned me down and he used my arm as a pillow. As I fell back to sleep. A little while later I woke to an empty bed, so I grabbed my journal.

I think he forgot. The sky is overcast. I went to my balcony naked, scandalous. I'm not sure what time it is but if he is gone I don't know... That was a half an hour ago. I needed to write about the experience while I sat in bed. I had hoped…

The sun is setting. I was wrong. Varric returned, bringing me breakfast: muffins, juice, fruit, milk. I thought last night was it, but we fell into bed together. The tray waited at the foot of my bed as he made all the pain disappear, once more. We ate. And before long we were, once again, panting in each other's arms.

We spent the whole day in my room. I gave the staff more time off. Time to store this journal in my drawer, Isabella reads the one on my desk. Varric is sleeping. I think I will join him. How long can we keep this secret? What are we doing? I don't know how long we will continue this.

Cassandra read on. Varric and Hawke's affair went on for over a year. This journal covered well over a year. Varric had some explaining to do. She gathered her things and Hawke's journal. Varric would not give up information without a fight.

An hour later she was standing in the interrogation room. She slammed the book down. "What is this?"

Varric paled, "Why Seeker, I wasn't aware that you like to read. That is just some harmless fiction Hawke, and I made up, it means nothing."

"So if I took it and tossed it into the fire, it would mean nothing to you?" Cassandra picked it up and held it near the fire.

Varric sat forward. His beloved "Tale of the Champion" had not brought about this response. "Now seeker Anna and I… Hawke… please don't," Varric groaned and sat back.

"Did the relationship last long?" Cassandra questioned with less anger.

Varric swallowed and sighed, "Two years almost. We woke up one day and realized we needed to spend either more time together or less, sneaking around wasn't enough anymore. I can't remember who ended up hiding in a closet that time, but we had lived too many years in secret."

"Why do you have her journal?" Cassandra handed it to him and he relaxed.

"Before Fenris returned I was browsing for a book to read. I found it how you did. It was a book without a title and I got curious. The way she wrote about us, it differed from how she wrote in her other journal." Varric blushed and rubbed his neck. "Isabela was not alone in reading Hawke's journal."

Cassandra slumped in a chair. "You don't know her location then?"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you, Seeker." Varric smiled as he flipped through the pages of the journal.

"You had feelings for her. Although she is now with Fenris, you would have followed her if she let you." Cassandra put her head in her hands and growled in frustration.

"Yes. Seeker, I would be with Hawke and Broody if I could be." Varric's fingers caressed a page near the end of the journal. "Anna insisted on keeping this journal. To make me jealous she would tell me of her exploits with other people. This entry was about Isabela and Sebastian. Andraste's tits, we were lucky to make it to her office."

"You may go Varric, for now." Cassandra stayed sitting as Varric stood and took the Journal.

"No offence seeker, but I think this is best left with me. Hawke wrote kinky stuff in here." Varric left her alone to consider the next step. Leliana could write a letter to the Divine. She would help.

Anna picked up the coded letter she received. The kind woman met her at the town line saying there was a package for her at the local store. She smiled when she opened it to find a bottle of rum, a flask of bourbon, Varric's latest book and a tin of her favorite cookies.

" _Hawke, I'm sorry to contact you, though I am glad I can. Cassandra Pentaghast, a Seeker of Truth, questioned me about your location. I told Cassandra nothing about us, but she may have found a journal of yours that went missing a few years ago. So, I am sorry. Not that I took it, but that she got ahold of it. I planned to travel, but it is too risky. The trip is canceled for your protection. As always, I hope Broody is well and he better be protecting you. ~ Varric,"_

Anna smiled, Fenris was well, and he was occupied elsewhere. A twinge of regret touched her as she realized the gifts were his way of telling her he missed her. Fenris made her happy, but there were days she wondered if she chose wrong. No, she was happy. Varric would find his happiness too.

Anna had heard of Cassandra, but never met her. So Cassandra read her missing journal. Oh the places her and Varric had sex, all written down in that journal. So the sneaky dwarf had it all along. It was for the best. Fenris knew about the affair, but Anna had downplayed the whole thing. Now that Fenris read well enough, there's no way he would accept that they still spoke.

Anna wondered how he got out of the Seeker's grasp long enough to write a letter. She would send a new message when she received a new code. Putting the goodies in her bag she headed back home. It was a two day trip if she didn't dawdle.


End file.
